The fact that this is three run-on sentences is an attempt at style. Excuse me.
Second stanza - kittens in the jungle?? I don't know.
Last stanza is calling for help.
Will see you all at school tomorrow! Currently keeping track of time and what periods you're in. I think we discussed something like this during English -- not being able to actually take a break when you're not in school and everyone else is.
:)
Once, in my mother's galaxy, I was a crawling star
forming on the tiled floor
and I left stardust all over the place but it didn't matter
because it wasn't a hassle to pick up after a child then
and before I had to clean up my own messes
and form on my own,
before she burnt out
and left her galaxy dim,
and I left stardust all over the place but it didn't matter
because it wasn't a hassle to pick up after a child then
and before I had to clean up my own messes
and form on my own,
before she burnt out
and left her galaxy dim,
Mom was the sun
and threw them out,
before the kittens and I grew into
stubborn, quiet cats
Mom was a lion
I longed to be in the afternoon.
In my mother's kitchen, tears leak
through the ceiling above the stove
and dust is looking like a fine shade of paint
because every other layer has pealed
and now that nothing's worth repainting
or feeling beautiful anymore,
now that I make this an ugly place
and we changed with the day,
Mom is a love
I wish I could know now in the evening.
I loved in the morning.
In my mother's jungle, kittens sang
up on top of the refrigerator
and handmade pictures hung by magnets beneath them
because they were my child crayon pride
and before she took them downIn my mother's jungle, kittens sang
up on top of the refrigerator
and handmade pictures hung by magnets beneath them
because they were my child crayon pride
and threw them out,
before the kittens and I grew into
stubborn, quiet cats
Mom was a lion
I longed to be in the afternoon.
In my mother's kitchen, tears leak
through the ceiling above the stove
and dust is looking like a fine shade of paint
because every other layer has pealed
and now that nothing's worth repainting
or feeling beautiful anymore,
now that I make this an ugly place
and we changed with the day,
Mom is a love
I wish I could know now in the evening.
This is so cool!
ReplyDeleteOkay so I liked how you did the poem with breakfast lunch and dinner, or at least that is what I thought. I like how you make mom a new thing in the second to last lines in each stanza and that she is like the main thing of each scene,I think that is what you are doing. This is so well written and AWSOME!
P.S. I love the kitties!
Smart. There's a lot going on here, so it will be hard to quantify; I'll try. You may be being a bit hard on yourself in regards to the last stanza. "The dust is looking like a fine shade of paint" is enough to carry the whole thing. It's "peeling" (not pealing). The last four lines need a clean up crew though. I like the "hung by magnets." Kittens in the jungle is probably fine, "child crayon pride" is probably the best.
DeleteThe progression of the day is a metaphor for the relationship, a relationship that was reflected with this room. I get it. It starts sunny and full of promise, any change from that state will seem like a bad thing.